you will always find me in the

I'm no good at chatting up and I always get rebuffed, enough to drive a man to drink I don't do no washing up, I always reached the stuff piled up, a-piled up in the sink, but you will always find him in the kitchen at parties; me and my girlfriend we argued and she ran away from home, she must have found somebody new and now I'm all alone, living in my own, what am I supposed to do? that's why always find him in kitchen at parties, you will always find him in the kitchen at parties; then I met this debutante I said I like new wave rock., she was into French cuisine but I ain't no cordon bleu, this was at some do in Palmers Green I had no luck with her, you will still find him in kitchen at parties; at last I met a pretty girl she laughed and talked with me, we both walked out of the kitchen and danced in a new way - and now I've done my time in the kitchen at parties. . . JONA LEWIE

preparations have been taking place for one of those big 0 parties. . . I remember the one I had for my 4 - only three people from that night are still in my life. . .

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. . .and one of them is having a big 0 party tonight

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I plan to stay in the kitchen, as I'm hopeless at parties I've offered to be in charge of the catering and the butlers (yes, we have butlers people - I've nicknamed them Moet and Chandon) (oh, just for your information, they are not the reason I've offered to be in the kitchen) and, as you may or may not know, I really quite like washing-up - and with over 100 people at the party there is bound to be a lot of washing-up!

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of course, I am having the usual wardrobe dilemmas. . . shoe dilemmas. . . make-up dilemmas. . . hair-do dilemmas. . . quite why this is bothering me, since I'll be in the kitchen, I don't know - but one has to look as if one's made the effort, right? long gone are the days where I could put on anything and simply look fabulous (I blame the weight I've put on due to the meds, but there are probably other reasons too. . . can't think of any right now, but there's bound to be something) and these days even if I make an effort I don't look very fabulous

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perhaps it's because I don't feel fabulous right now? that must be it!

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usually this doesn't bother me, but the phrase "big 0 party" seems to come with a layer of unspoken assumption that one will make a huge effort

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I'll just make sure that the dishes are clean and the glasses are sparkling and the kitchen is left tidier and more spotless than it was before I arrived and that Moet and Chandon work incredibly hard from eight till one refreshing glasses and serving tidbits but feel as if they have been having as much fun along the way as the guests

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all the best laid plans, eh