there was more on the list
I forget now
so it can't be that important, if I've forgotten
can it?
not like those really important things that you think about at least once a day, every day
(even if it is just a thought and nothing else)
someone once told me that they thought about me every day, as if that were my consolation prize (which always makes me think of WHMS) and obviously it might be nice to be remembered. . .
. . .which it might be, until the day that you realise you've been forgotten
potato peelings, carrot scrapings, grape seeds, apple cores, banana skins, lemon pith, bread crusts, cake crumbs, walnut shells. . .
. . .sometimes even the most ordinary things you would otherwise throw away are worth holding onto - you just never know when you might need them
15 comments:
I forget things. Not because they lack importance--I frequently forget the cane in another room...it's kinda important! Stuff falls out of my brain. And I do makes lists!! *sigh* ...and then I forget where I put the darn list.
This grieving stuff is tough business. We put it in order, it rears its ugly head. We 'oh well' and move on and it drags us back to it. Sometimes it's easier than others. And it always seems to wanna stretch me in a way I don't want stretched....or so I think. Cuz like you so kindly reminded me, you just never get to know how that bit really does have a usefulness to it.
Which is why himself hangs on to foil from bottles and candy wrappers...bits of left over wire, pieces of string and broken links from a necklace.
I heard an interesting line today. . .
"you will live until you are alive again"
. . .sums up where I am in my grief
which, really, in the big scheme of things, is a good thing when you think about it
to live
(-:
gotta stop thinking! (-;
every now and again I throw out all the stuff I saved on the basis that one day "it might have a usefulness". . . feels very cleansing and cathartic
wish I could declutter my brain like that
*sigh*
ah well. . .
will refocus on the distractions
like making little ships (little ships!) out of walnut shells
(-:
*laughing* It took me four times of loading this page to get a word verification that I could actually read. *sigh* Silly things....
And yep--you're not in the alone in the think to much, too often department.
That's a good reason to sing (can't think and sing at the same time) and pull out something to make/clear out/give away.
It's with great joy that I'm able to clear out stuff that's been virtually ignored for a year. Himself had his hands full with nursing a casted 'erindoors.
Talk about cathartic! I can actually SEE the floor in the bedroom this morning.
It'd been filled with holiday wrap, cards, bows and other assorted 'stuff' himself drug upstairs and I didn't wanna bother him to drag it down.
<-- took it downstairs to the storage room this weekend! Woohoo!! ;-)
appropos of nothing, I've reached that stage in my day where I've had more than enough coffee and the taste of it is now unpleasant, but I still have half a cup and hate to waste.
The good news is, if Rim is ditching the coffee gig, MORE for me!!
:-D
Let 'im have that tea with cucumber and whatever it was.
OH.....speaking of which, I did toss some cucumber into a glass of water. :-/
Perfectly good waste of cucumber.
I ate it and dumped the water.
I'm thinkin' that's not zackly the idea behind dumping it in your water, but there ya have it.
Happy Friday!!
do you know what is SO VERY WEIRD Ms Mel? the day I wrote that comment about grief
"you will live until you are alive again"
my father (from who I am estranged) (was estranged) dropped down dead in his home
he wasn't found for a while )-:
hence my absence, dear people
one brother in Australia, one in Dubai, X currently in Seattle. . .
it's been busy stressful hectic exhausting upsetting (you get the picture, I don't need to go on)
I is falling apart little by little, being shredded by police coroner pathologist undertaker funeral arrangements friends/family (of the deceased, not of mine - I don't have any!) house clearance charities local historians. . .
. . .even the gardener. . .
yes - the old man had a gardener
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
he cut me out of the will, as expected
big brother (Oz) is very embarrassed about that; little brother (UAE) is chuffed to bits, it means more dosh for him
I don't care
if I wanted to pander to a man for his money, X and I would still be together
ho hum
really odd tho
I knew something was up that day
)-:
Oh my...... *sigh* I am so sorry.
Yaknow, I never find it odd when there's an intuitive 'knowing'. I find it more odd when there's an absence of that. ( me and my alien brain...)
I'm so saddened for the loss. Estranged or not, it's another loss. I know the struggle I went through with the loss of my last parent, the awkwardness of how those worldly goods were distributed, the sad shifting of what I believed to be true about others involved evolving rapidly and confirming my fears... It seemed to be about possessions and money and 'stuff'. I could'd get away from it fast enough. Not that it didn't follow me. *sigh*
I truly am sorry for the loss, and all the responsibility that went to you (none of it fun under the best of circumstances). And I'll hope things have slowed enough for you to find safe places to go for some restoration and peace.
*sending hugs*
this is my safe place
(-:
and thank you, once again, as on so many occasions, for the hug
(-:
my father was a very strange, eccentric man, he alienated a lot of people - some of whom will be present at his funeral on Friday
I've been receiving the cards of condolence and the more insightful hint at their knowledge that he was not perhaps the best of fathers or indeed husbands - altho he managed to be everyone's best friend in the office and at dinner parties
when we were little my mother asked my younger brother why he was as good as gold at school and yet such a nightmare at home, he innocently replied "I can't be good all the time mummy"
she used to tell me tale, amongst others, but now I realise that, along with many other things she either told me outright or hinted at, perhaps it resonated for her with regards to my father
those were the days when "decent" "middle class" people didn't get divorced, they "stayed together for the sake of the children"
ho hum
however it seems that after she died in 1991, he became a "new" person; sadly my children did not see or experience that, as behind closed doors he was his old self - which is why he and I were estranged, amongst other reasons; but he had clearly charmed many people and most of them think he was wonderful (if rather eccentric)
so I have been concentrating on giving him a decent send off, in many ways it is the funeral my mother should have had but was denied as he was not in a fit state to organise her funeral
I did what I was told back then: didn't speak until I was spoken to, didn't answer back - you know all those Victorian values that deny real emotion. . .
. . .she didn't have a floral tribute with spring flowers and buds and foliage hand picked from their garden on her coffin, so I am making one for his instead
. . .she didn't have a lovely order of service for the funeral with beautiful poems and images of engraved glass and a centre spread of happy family shots across the ages, so I am making one for him instead
. . .she didn't have a carefully worded and sensitive tribute/committal read by a wonderful celebrant chosen by the departed loved one, so he is having one instead
I could rattle on for hours
in all honesty, I'm amazed that blogger lets one write posts in a comment box
woo hoo!
X
It's good you've got a safe place. And it's good you're getting to some things that, hopefully, will be healing for you.
Easy to say--hard not to resent what you weren't 'allowed' to do for someone you had the relationship with.
I had one of 'those' families--alcoholic, abusive father that everyone adored outside of the home walls. It was all about appearances. You didn't get to talk or have any feelings about what was going on inside the walls--and the dynamics inside the house were classic of the alcoholic household. Lots of junk for the residents to later work through...if they were willing to work through them.
You do the best you can to come through it all the best you can be.
(((((((((( ILTV ))))))))))) Friday comes and I'll hope for you to have some emotional support, if not physical support. Dealing with the muck and the mire and the messiness can be a bit......overwhelming. And stepping back into the dynamics when people haven't found their own healing can make even the strongest of persons squirmy.
Hang in there--saying prayers and thinking of you.....
((((( ILTV )))))) Just checkin' in cuz it's what I do.
Hopeful that you're settling back into a bit of peace and solitude after all the chaos that the front side of losing someone brings.
I know the back side isn't much easier..it's a different 'mess' with details and 'stuff' you get to handle. Stuff that really isn't any fun to handle. And in between all that--some grieving. *sigh* That's in bits and pieces too. Frankly, I spent the majority of the backside simply managing the angry, hurt feelings cuz I had dumb siblings.
((((((( ILTV ))))))
Mel thank you for doing what you do. . .
big bro and I scattered the ashes today
/-:
*sigh* I don't care how long you do or don't wait to do that privilege, it's still an emotion packed moment. Himself still struggles with his mum opting to do that and not involving him. Dunno...she made the best choice for her, difficult as it must have been.
Make some time to treat you to some kindness, no matter how frivolous you might think it, eh. (((( ILTV ))))
Mel the "kindness" was a three day trip to Dubai (of which more later) to stay with the little brother and his wife in their home, whilst the big brother and his wife stopped off in Dubai for the three days on their way back to Australia. . .
(lots of photos and thoughts to come on the sci-fi city soon)(when I've unpacked, done the laundry and the grocery shopping)
only thing is, they are now both back in their homes with their wives and I'm back in my home on my own surrounded by boxes and boxes and boxes of crap from our father's house to sort thru. . .
hmmmmmmmm
I still have boxes in the storage room that I've not weeded through--things that belonged to my birth mother (kept at the step-mothers' home) AND things that belonged to the step-mother. I think I'm down to five or six boxes. There are things in a couple that I consolidated into into one. Why I've kept those things, I don't know--figured some day someone would want the things......'cept there's no one to want them, quite frankly. *sigh*
It's a tough process, losing parents, grieving and letting go.
But a trip to the sci-fi city must have been surreal in some aspects. The whole situation musta felt surreal. Usually does.
Lucky you to have the task the other's cannot attend to, given their locations. The good news is you have a camera phone (do they make 'em without nowadays?!) and you can send photos of the contents and include them in the decision making.
Ughhh......not a fun thing to get to do. I'd rather be taking photos of sci-fi places and pretending.
*hugs* Bit by bit, eh.....there's no deadline to the task.
Just checking in....tucked in bed, yet to find sleep, trying to focus and not let my brain wander too much. Hopefully things are slowing down for you and you're finding some rest after the whirlwind of stuff. Rest is sorta required. LOL. This from the gal who's having difficulty finding it. :-D
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