introducing a stylish new fashion

the hospital gown

do you know how to make someone feel really ill? usher them into a cubicle and have them change out of their clothes into a hospital gown. . . and if they haven't succumbed to nausea at this stage, then make them sit in the x-ray department waiting room which is full of other people wearing only hospital gowns. . .

.

(I'll be done with the moaning soon enough - that's a promise!)

I is ill

)-:

it's either viral pleurisy (for which one drinks lots of fluids, swallows masses of non-steroidal anti-inflammatories, rests up and stays off the fags) (and - just to be safe - rules out all sorts of other things like pulmonary embolism and pneumonia, so I have to go for a chest x-ray and some kind of scan or other)

or gallstones (unlikey, since I have none of the other symptoms; but the doctor recommended following a low-fat diet anyhow. . . which I already do, if you don't count the fact I drink ordinary milk)
or something else (for which a trip to the phlebotomist is required - more needles!! thanks to the wonders of the NHS, my veins can be tapped straight after I've had the x-ray) when I was describing the pain to the doctor she uttered those chiling words "you might have strained your intercostal muscles" at which point I burst into tears and said that that was exactly what they told my mother every month for six months and then they finally took her pain seriously and diagnosed multiple myeloma, which had caused all her ribs to fracture. . . strained intercostal muscles don't result in being unable to sleep, yawn, laugh, cough or generally breathe due to stabbing lung pain as far as I know; it wasn't the washing-up at the weekend either, because the pain didn't start until yesterday. . .

.

. . .on the other hand, wouldn't it be funny if it actually was strained intercostal muscles due to too much washing-up. . .

.

. . .hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

first he gave me three injections(using the needle in the middle)(that's about a gallon of anaesthetic)then he did a bit of drilling I think the reason his assistant stuck a vacuum cleaner in my mouth was to remove the debris. . . but I seemed to have swallowed most of itthen he did some more drilling. . . . . .whilst the assistant blasted my mouth with cold waterthen he did the filling - but it didn't go in quite right. . .. . .so he had me chew on a ream of carbon paperafter which he sanded and polished away the lumps and bumps. . . . . .only then did he say to me

"you'll probably need a root canal on that tooth"

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(please excuse me, I'm just having one of those moments)(you know those moments? I feel your pain!)

the continuing trials of I

at the torture chamber. . .I'll spare you a verbal description and instead share some illustrative hints:

any guesses how my face is feeling now? once again I'll just leave you with an illustrative hint:

how much wood etc etc

ok, so substitute various words - for example "wood" with "teeth", "chuck" with "fill", "woodchuck" with "dentist" and "many" for "much" and you have a slice of my life

let's just take a moment to clarify the picture, shall we. . . woodchuck:

dentist:
that can't be right, I hear you mutter, so let's check the business card me handed me as I left:

don't get me wrong, he's not a bad mad as such. . . perhaps I'm being a little harsh? perhaps I ought to give the guy a break? perhaps I should just have ALL MY TEETH PULLED AND JUST WEAR DENTURES??? if anyone dares ask me today if my glass is half full or half empty, I should love to be able to laugh whilst muttering "not only do I have a glass, but it has dentures in it". . .

at least if that were the case, I'd be done with the dentist and WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO BACK IN A FORTNIGHT FOR MORE WORK. . .

.
ok, ok - I know: I'm lucky to have my own teeth, I'm lucky to be able to go to the dentist, don't get me wrong; it's not that my jaw hurts, it's not that I've bitten not only the inside of my cheek but also my tongue, I think it's that the situation with The Teen is beginning to get to me and I don't have much spare - what's the right word? - spare capacity for hurt (mental or physical)

.
that's not really the right way to describe it, but my semantic recall seems to be lacking somewhat at the moment (could be all the anaesthetic the guy pumped into my head, could just be that my brain isn't working very well at the moment)
.

on the good side (there's always a good side, isn't there, if one looks hard enough) on the way home I purchased a very nice piece of flapjack for later on
.

(-:

.
I hope you have a treat planned that will get you thru the trickier parts of your day today
.

XXX

parenting

so what do you do when it all goes horribly wrong

when one of your children hates you, despises you, turns all the vengeance in the world on youand you can't for the life of you work out what you did wrong (apart from the obvious) (is it the obvious - or is that too simplistic an answer?)

This Be The VerseThey fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

PHILIP LARKIN

(of course, rather than dwelling on miserable - if momentarily insightful - poetry, one can always use the resource at hand. . . the www)

it never rains

but poursso, now the laundry situation is sorted (at great expense) (why does everything cost so much these days?) (or has it always cost a lot?) and the tooth situation is under control (the dentist's control, not mine) (and even tho it's on the NHS, it's costing a mint too) (what happens to the poor souls who can't afford dental treatment? that's what I'd like to know) the next wave of minor irritations is upon me: my eyesight is getting worse and I need to wear my glasses all the time or else I get aching eyes, so I go to the opticians and it turns out that my prescription is completely wrong so I need new glasses and The Teen didn't tell me but there is a leak in his part of the roof (I wondered where that saucepan had disappeared to) so I spend over two and half hours speaking to five different individuals repeating the same thing five times over trying to track down an insurance policy that I pay for but isn't on the various systems of the insurance people only to find that it'll probably be cheaper for me to just get it mended rather than losing my no claims bonus and the premiums going up next year (what's the point of having insurance if you can't make a claim when you need?) and the broken loo that was mended has now broken again but the plumber who came last time can't come until next week and they won't send a different guy
.
.and and and and.
.
I don't know why I'm bothering writing this we all have this crap to deal with on a day to day basis, don't we? and, believe it or not, I hate to moan! I mean some of us are lucky enough to live in our own houses and with the money to pay for the stuff that needs to be done; at times like this X, the children's father, used to say "I hate being a grown-up" and altho I can see the benefits of being a grown-up sometimes I do wonder why it is all so complicated
.

or do I just need to change my perspective? I've had months without health problems and weeks go by without householder nonsense to deal with and there's money in the bank to sort everything out eventually so perhaps I should just shut my big bazzoo (as Frasier's dad Martin would no doubt say)

awwwwwwwwwwwww! see!! that was worth it, wasn't it? Nancy keeps asking for a dog and I keep pointing out that we already have four cats. . .

(this is the smallest, Mini Jo, asleep in a bowl of shells
that I picked up on the beach
when I was away for the weekend that time a while back)

three things

erm, maybe four or five actually

1. having recently discovered/been made aware that I may experience/be suffering from sustained bruxism (it seems that I am a daytime jaw clencher rather than a nighttime teeth grinder) I am now at a bit of a loss for what to do about it

2. one of the cats has been acting very strangely Mini-Teen wants me to take him to the vets to see if there's something wrong but as I don't believe in spending shed loads of money I don't have on a feline pet I haven't yet followed this course of action and now am at a bit of a loss for that to do about it

3. my big brother sent me a very generous Amazon voucher for xmas last year and I invested some of it in the purchase of a new sewing machine, since the one I had - which was my mother's - had finally broken beyond all hope of repair; I have a pile of projects that I'm really keen to start and lots of ideas for other projects, but I can't seem to be able to even take the new machine out of the box; I'm totally bemused about this situation and have no clue why I have a bit of a block about it and at more of a loss about this than the other things that are bothering me

4. for some strange reason I have been starting to wonder about what I shall do in five years' time when all the children have flown the nest (and presuming none of them has flown back again); I haven't a clue, which is a worse situation than being at a bit of a loss about what to do5. oh! it seems as if there were only four after all (well, only four that I'm going to bother you with, dear reader)